Cold Feet

I am feeling cold feet right now just as I did with Emma's adoption.... questions running through my mind at breakneck speed.  What are we doing adopting another child at our ages?  What will the future bring?  How can we afford 2 children?  How will these 2 girls get along?  Terrified is the word.

On Sunday we were in a restaurant and there was a family (all blondes except for one!) who had a little girl from an Asian country (probably China) and she was beautiful.  Emma was staring at her and turned to me and said, "Look Mommy, look.  That is what my sister is going to look like."  :D

China considers ladybugs to be good luck if they light on you and fly away.  In the middle of the summer I was swinging Emma in the backyard swing and a ladybug lit on her arm and flew away.  I kid you not.  Emma of course was terrified of the ladybug, of all bugs pretty much.  We then saw another ladybug on a zucchini leaf and I got a photo of it - will post it later when I can find it!! - and in September I believe it was, I was driving our car and felt something obviously crawling on my arm.  I went to flick it off thinking it was a spider and felt this hard feeling.  The ladybug fell on the seat and then crawled under it never to be seen again.  Thank goodness I didn't kill it.  

Maybe it is because of the China element regarding ladybugs, but I do not remember in recent years ever seeing that many ladybugs and for sure never having one light on Emma and fly away. 

Signs?  I think so.  I know so. 

When I start to doubt I know in my heart that this adoption is meant to be.  I could never have NOT done it - we have this opportunity whereas many would give their eye teeth to have this chance to adopt a child from China as many have dropped out of the program and many are still dropping out, their dream of having a child or a second or third fading with every year they have waited.  IF we hadn't of adopted Emma in the interim of our wait, we would have dropped out also for sure because of our ages and we were content with our life the way it was.  We just never would have known what we had missed.  And we would have missed this incredible love and this incredible chance to make a difference in a human soul's life.

Many say that China does not have the children anymore to adopt out because they are now doing more and more domestic adoptions and the one child rule is becoming a thing of the past, but do I believe that?  Ha.  No way.  They have millions (billions?) of people (I need to now research China!) and there are many children who are being sequestered away in that country because China is trying to "save face" by making it look like they are taking care of their own. 

I also now will be able to enjoy life a bit more and not be so afraid of leaving Emma (which I will someday - far in the future I pray) because there will be 2 little girls who have one another and will have someone to share their memories with. 

A lot of people told me to not adopt for Emma, to adopt because I wanted to parent another child.  Well, to be honest, it is a little of both.  As with Emma I had no idea the kind of love I would feel as a mother and now I cannot imagine loving a second child as much - but I will as you all know, I will.  :D  I cannot wait to meet this little girl face to face.